Who am I to say that sometimes I am too busy to do something or talk to someone or to plan something ? Sometimes I look at how the people around me multitask away at a million plans and I feel inferior..but recently I found that I am very happy with how I am now. Looking into people's lives and knowing all the dark secrets behind happy faces and bright smiles...sometimes make you wonder just how secretive life is and how one can ever get into the essence of someone eles - a friend, a family member, knowing everything about them....I think it is impossible.. Who would ever want to give up personal secrets or destroy public perception of themselves ?

I would not. That said, I am also facing a little crisis. Feeling. And emotion. Have I lost my ability to really feel and have emotions? I find myself unable to feel anything beyond a brief moment of grief or sadness for things that have happened. I find myself unable to be very happy about happy things. I have not got angry with anyone and had a public outburst for almost ten years. What is holding my emotions back. Truth be told, I have often pretended grief, bliss, love, or joy at seeing something/someone but many times I know it is because it is what I wanted someone else to see. I wanted someone else to think I was happy or sad or excited.

There is just this perverse side of me that I know and am actually fearing to say this out..but tonight is just a night when words come flowing out. I like the feeling of power and control. And somehow, I have just gotten the taste of how having real emotions and feelings can be a sign of weakness. That being said, one should always be able to manipulate emotions of oneself as well as others in a bid to wrest power. Body language, words, actions are all part of an arsenal of very potent weapons.

At the same time I am afraid. What am I turning into ? And then again....am I blogging about this just to gain attention? I myself cannot say for certain. Blame it on my very fickle self...as can be seen from my various obsessive collections, compulsive yet anal organisation of collections...as well as the constant yearning and longing for something more.

Over the years, sometimes I discover little happinesses. Like singing a song, cleaning the dishes, having a fun activity with someone else...But nothing has been able to stop the itching within my soul to go out and do something. I whine all the time about graduating and the scariness of change as well as the leaving of friends and mates in Melbourne, but at the same time am full of excitedness of being in the marketplace and finding out what I can do..and what I can be...how ruthless I want to be in my climb up the social ladder. Find out how much am I willing to go for success or popularity, fame and fortune. It is scary yes. But also to myself. I hope that maybe I shall find hope or a sense of rest soon. For as we all know, we may be a predator, powerful and disdainful of many....but at the same time yearning just for the simple life as well. And at the same time, knowing that it is impossible as we are always looking behind us...for the younger predators looking to take over our spots, for the backstabbing colleagues and so called friends...it is a tiring life..yes...but I sincerely want to be in it and see how far I can go.

You might call me taking this for granted, that I will always fall back on close friends and family. But then again....I have confidence in my family and friendships.

Amazingly long for a post. Very weird. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that my typing is particularly fast today. Or maybe I have just enjoyed watching Mr and Mrs Smith...one of the best movies I have seen for a while. (I fantasise too much about being a spy and guns). Or maybe the fact that I have been unable to sleep for a long while. Staying up doing revision and yet at the same time feeling the full frustration that one cannot get the same grades or adoration as one would get in high school.

I whine and whine and whine. I do. I long for the closeness with God..that I know LucBear has. But what am I willing to give up ? I long for fame and fortune at a young age..that many have. Am I ready and prepared to give up dearer things ? I want love and togetherness. But am I ready for a permanent binding of wings...being free..? What is freedom ?

What do I want? What am I ready to give up?

I need to learn to be happy.

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